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Thoughts on the Parsha ~
Parshas
Shemini
Self Acceptance, Not Self Exceptance
By:
Daniel Listhaus
וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֶל אַהֲרֹן קְרַב אֶל הַמִּזְבֵּחַ וַעֲשֵׂה
אֶת חַטָּאתְךָ וְאֶת עֹלָתֶךָ וְכַפֵּר בַּעַדְךָ וּבְעַד הָעָם וַעֲשֵׂה אֶת
קָרְבַּן הָעָם וְכַפֵּר בַּעֲדָם כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה ה'
“Moshe
said to Aharon: Come near to the mizbe’ach and perform the service of
your sin-offering and your olah-offering and provide atonement for
yourself and for the people; then perform the service of the people’s offering
and provide atonement for them, as Hashem commanded.”
-Vayikra 9:7
Rashi[1] in sefer
Bamidbar describes that for the first seven days of the inauguration of the
Mishkan, Moshe assembled and dismantled the Mishkan each day. On
the eighth day however, which was Rosh Chodesh Nissan, Moshe erected the
Mishkan and it remained in place until the anan (Cloud) moved
indicating that it was time for B’nei Yisroel to travel. Our parsha opens
by discussing the events that occurred on the “yom ha’shemini” (eight
day of the inauguration) and relates that Moshe told Aharon that as the
appointed Kohen Gadol, he was to bring a chatas and an olah
on the mizbe’ach before Hashem. Rashi[2] points out
that Moshe did not tell this to Aharon secretly, but rather in front of all of
the zekainim (elders) of B’nei Yisroel to let them hear that it
was Hashem Who declared that Aharon be the Kohen Gadol so that no
one should think to say that Aharon just took the position for himself. Rashi[3] further
relates that Hashem commanded Aharon to specifically bring a calf[4] as a karbon
chatas in order to communicate that through this calf there would be a
complete kaparah for his involvement in the eigel ha’zahav (sin
of the golden calf).
Interestingly, when Moshe finished giving his instructions,
the Torah does not say straight out that Aharon went ahead and performed
as Moshe had said. Rather, the passuk (verse) states, “Moshe said
to Aharon: Come near to the mizbe’ach and perform the service of your
sin-offering and olah-offering…” Why did Moshe have to repeat himself
and seemingly have to “remind” Aharon to do what he had just asked him to do? Why
didn’t Aharon just go and bring the chatas and olah as Moshe had just
instructed? Why was there a need for Moshe to approach Aharon and say that he
should go to the mizbe’ach?
The Sifsei
Chochomim[5]
comments that this question is precisely the point which Rashi picks
up on from this passuk. From the fact that Moshe had to tell Aharon to
come close to the mizbe’ach implies that there was a level of hesitation
on Aharon’s side which was preventing him from doing it on his own. Rashi[6] therefore
explains that indeed despite Moshe clearly laying out what had to be done,
Aharon was hesitant to go ahead and do so because he was embarrassed and
afraid. Moshe encouraged Aharon that there was no reason to be embarrassed or
afraid for Hashem Himself selected him to be the Kohen Gadol, therefore
he should go ahead and approach the mizbe’ach.
On the
surface, this Rashi is difficult to understand. Certainly any person who
has ever held a position could relate to being afraid and feeling incompetent
and embarrassed on the first day of work, but that cannot be what is going on
here. There is no question that Aharon must have felt the full effect of Yiras
Hashem as he was thinking about bringing his karbanos, but that is
not a reason to be hesitant when it comes to doing what Hashem asked.
Awe is one thing, fear is another. If Aharon was hesitant to approach the mizbe’ach,
there must have been something serious that was holding him back. What was it?
The Da’as
Zekainim[7]
and the Chizkuni[8] both
comment[9] that indeed
there was a much bigger issue on Aharon’s mind. They explain that after Moshe
told Aharon what to do, Aharon started going toward the mizbe’ach but
looked up and saw the satan in the form of the eigel ha’zahav[10]. This
caused Aharon to stop dead in his tracks and think to himself that perhaps he
was not worthy to carry out this job as Kohen Gadol and that it
be better for someone else to accept the position instead. When Moshe saw
Aharon’s hesitation, he encouraged him and told him to keep walking toward the mizbe’ach
because there was nothing to be afraid of since he was selected by Hashem.
There are
two basic questions on this story that come to mind. First, what did Moshe tell
Aharon that he did not already know? Aharon knew that Hashem appointed him as Kohen
Gadol, in fact everyone knew. It wasn’t that Moshe nominated Aharon for
the position and now that Aharon was going through with it he was having second
thoughts if he should really be the one chosen as Kohen Gadol. It
was Hashem Himself who chose Aharon and not only did Aharon know this but all
the zekainim and all of K'lal Yisroel knew this. So what
did Moshe tell Aharon that he did not already know that would convince him to
put his concern aside? Why would such a motivational speech work? Aharon was in
fact Kohen Gadol until the day he died so what was it that he
internalized during this conversation that convinced him to proceed?
Second,
how could we even understand the satan’s ploy? Why would it work to make
Aharon doubt his worthiness due to the eigel? Rashi had explained
that the very karbon he was bringing was representing the fact that
Hashem forgave him completely for his personal involvement in the eigel.
If in Aharon’s hands was literally the symbolism of Hashem accepting his full teshuvah
(repentance), then what was the point of the satan using an
outdated scheme? And the stronger question is of course, why did it in fact
work to cause Aharon to hesitate?
Perhaps we
could better understand this episode with the following idea. As many know,
there are multiple steps to the teshuva process. However, the teshuva
process and all of its details really simplify to two main ideas: charata
(regretting) on past behavior, and accepting to strive for good behavior in
the future – charata al ha’avar v’kabbalah al ha’asid. The truth is,
though, that there is a parallel version of teshuva which often gets
forgotten. It gets forgotten even amongst those who live life with the purest
intentions and know what it means to do real teshuva, and certainly
amongst we who rationalize so many of the things we do, do teshuva once
a year as part of the calendar, and are more inclined to think about and
correct our errors in order to fit in socially and culturally than from
introspection and becoming closer to Hashem. The parallel teshuva being
referred to is that of forgiving oneself.
Self
acceptance and self forgiveness are absolutely essential for a person to be able
to pick oneself up, brush off and keep on going. We are human and making
mistakes is part of our DNA. We wake up late, make bad decisions, fail at what
we try to do, hurt people, and forget important things. When these things
happen, which they inevitably do, one could take one of two paths. On the one
hand, one could look at the mess he or she is in and throw in the towel
exclaiming, “What’s the point, I’ve already messed up today so the whole day is
ruined.” “I already missed shacharis, so what’s the point of trying to
make z’man kriyas shema?” “I already got upset today, so
what’s the point trying to pretend I’m happy?” “I already ruined my project at
home/school/work and am viewed as a failure so what’s the point trying to
succeed?” “I have already slipped in one area of keeping Shabbos, so
what’s the point of keeping kosher?” These are attitudes of dwelling in the
past and not allowing oneself to move on. Of course one has to have the
maturity and recognize one’s responsibility to acknowledge and accept making
mistakes, and indeed one should feel bad for what he has done. However, after
all that is done the final step is to overcome those feelings and actually use
them as a springboard to motivate oneself to propel forward away from the
spiral down and instead into the light of forgiveness and acceptance in order to
have the energy to move forward. As people, and specifically as Jews, we not
only have a duty to be good people in society and as b’nei Torah, not
only have the obligation to recognize when we do things wrong and be accepting
of judgment while we do teshuva, but we are also obligated to forgive
ourselves and not dwell on our mistakes after Hashem has forgiven us, or even
before to the extent that it grows from a charata to a feeling of
hopelessness which prevents us from doing other things which we are supposed to
do.
When
Aharon was appointed Kohen Gadol and was commanded to bring the karbanos
on the mizbe’ach, it is true that he knew as well as everyone else
that indeed he was chosen by Hashem to fill the position. Aharon had done teshuva
for his involvement in the eigel ha’zahav and Hashem accepted the teshuva,
but deep inside Aharon never felt over it. Despite having received teshuva,
the knowledge that he had been willing to stoop so low to be involved in the eigel
was something that he himself could not let go of so easily. The satan sensed
this in Aharon and used that false image against him solidifying the idea in
his head that the sin of the eigel was a stain that could never be
washed away and therefore he was unworthy of doing anything to serve Hashem. This
is precisely what Moshe realized and therefore told Aharon to approach the mizbe’ach,
saying, “Go to the mizbe’ach! There is nothing to fear. After all, the
whole reason to have charata about the eigel is because you
sinned against Hashem, but it is Hashem Himself Who appointed you, Aharon, as kohen
gadol and accepted your complete teshuva! What right do you have
to be more machmir (strict) than Hashem? Is it Hashem that you are sorry
you sinned against, or yourself?” With this reminder that he was misusing his middah
of charata, Aharon indeed realized something that although he
already knew was not yet internalized - that Hashem had in fact forgiven him and if he
would allow his own guilt to prevent him to do what Hashem was now commanding
him to do, that itself would be a sin against Hashem.
If a tzaddik
like Aharon Ha’kohen could do everything in his power to achieve teshuva
gemurah and yet still feel bad for the sin that he committed to the point that
a feeling of hopelessness comes over and snowballs into potentially further
heading down a dark path, then certainly when it comes to a regular person, one
is susceptible to come out of a mess up in one area of life and allow it to
snowball into a never ending chain of giving up with the thought of: “Once I
already messed up A, what’s the point of even trying B?”.
How many
times do we find ourselves using the sentence pattern: “I would _______, except
that I (am/did) _______”. Are these statements true? Or are they at their core
a level of justification while one is entrapped in feelings of hopelessness?
May Hashem
help us not only be able to recognize our faults and do an honest teshuva, but
also aid us so that we don’t get improperly stuck in the muck of charata to
the point that it stops us from propelling ourselves forward. In the zechus
(merit) of us doing the first steps of accepting responsibility and making
growth-oriented goals for the future, may Hashem give us the strength to become
accustomed to saying “I will” instead of “I would, except that…” so that we
will achieve self acceptance and not fall into the downward spiral of
hopelessness and self “exceptance”.
[1]
Rashi Bamidbar 7:1
[2]
Rashi Vayikra 9:1
[3]
Ibid
[4]
The karbon chatas was usually not a calf.
[5]
Vayikra 9:7
[6]
Rashi ibid
[7]
Ibid
[8]
Ibid
[9]
See also the Ba’al Ha'Turim (9:7) who explains along similar lines that
Aharon was afraid because of the cheit ha’eigel. However instead of
writing that the satan appeared in the image of an eigel, he
writes that Aharon saw the corners (karnei) of the mizbe’ach and
saw it as the horns (karnei) of an ox.
[10]
The Da’as Zekainim just say “appearance of an eigel”, but the Chizkuni
writes, “like the appearance of the eigel”.
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